"Even though our lives wander, our memories remain in one place" ~ Marcel Proust
I don't remeber how it began, but I think it was some time after attending a video game convention that I rediscovered my old Playstation Portable (PSP) Go. I had always kept it safe in the bottom of my drawer in my room; forever the forgotten fossil of a time long since passed.
The PSP Go was the awesome, sliding, smaller, and even more portable version of the PSP (the one my brother had) with the one exception, it was Digital Only. At the time I thought it was convienent; it had more storage space that the normal PSP, and I wouldn't need a memory card, and I could just buy and download the few games I knew I would want; That way I wouldn't need to lug another case, and a bunch of discs that could scratch/break, with me and it could all fit in my pocket {Hindsight: Who knew Sony would end its online store/functionality and the video game industry, over a decade later, would be, unfortunately, pushing all digital/subscription based models - bringing the era of physical media to lime light}
I decided now would be a great time to hack it! Install some custom firmware, get some themes, and utilize it for emulation 🏴☠️ for games I never got to have as a kid.
As soon as it was charged and turned on I strolled down memory lane. I checked out all the old games I used to play and the time stamps of when I had last played them. It was a neat little device that I used a lot more than I initially remeber.
I cointinued to look through the files, like what music I had on there and listend to all those years ago. OwlCity, GreenDay, oh man...Airplanes by B.O.B ft. Hailey Williams from Paramore lol, even a song that I don't even remeber purchasing and probably had not had listened to since the last time I used it. Memories flodded back of my sitting outside on the deck on vacation at the shore, alone with the moon and night, and the PSP Go sitting on my chest as Fuzzy Blue Lights, from OwlCity, unreleased at the time, that you could only get if you downloaded it from Tumblr, on loop.
I then entered the Videos section, and was immediatlly greated with the old AMV's I had made, a stupid youtube parody video I should have deleted a long time ago and....a cover video...titled Breath-AnnaNalick Cover jess.mpv. I don't remember the title of the song, or covering it, nor do I remember having this video in my digital storage (I am an archiver and have saved basically every important digital thing since I had access to a computer). I could not believe that I had a video on this handheld device from so long ago that I never had backed up.
So, I clicked play. The video began and a girl in a striped shirt holding a guitar appeared on the screen. They began to speak for a few seconds about how they were about to sing a song for their friend (me) with a song [I] requested, before singing acoustic.
The girl was an old friend I made in High School. She sat beside me in english class. They had joined the school year a little late, as they had just moved into the area from Florida, and introduced themselves to me. I was the shy and quiet kid while she was a bit more extraverted, and somehow I became the one assigned to help catch her up and help her around school; As luck would have it, we matched pretty well and became fast friends - nostalic memories of our nightly Skype calls, doing home work and studying for tests, eating lunch together in the cafeteria, and of course playing music.
She was also the first friend that came out to me as lesbian (I was raised Catholic and at the time and wasn't okay with that fact, but easily pushed it aside for the love of our friendship -- note: I since becace Athiest and am a strong LGBTQ+ Ally, but it was too late by then...), and was also the first friend that I knew of who self harmed (and was working on getting better). Contrarily, I was from a non-divorced family, who had dinner together, and was a nerd. Both new worlds for each other.
I think there must be some cosmic energy, that through the millions of years of time and space, the stardust we are made out of sometimes finds itself again - we had became such fast and close friends, no one would have ever believed we had met for the first time only a few months prior.
But as chaoticly giving as the unknown is, it's just as cruel. Due to reasons I can no longer remeber, their family had to move back to Florida. Not even a full year since we first said our hellos were we saying our goodbyes. Sure we had facebook and skype, but this was early internet times, people were not as glued/addicted to social media as today, back then. They were of course busy with returning to their old life, old friends, and family (I hope), and I returned to school, focusing on my 11th year. I had sent a message but it went un-read, their account soon abandoned and removed. I thought I found them once again on Facebook a few years later, they lived in Florida under the same name, but changed to the male version, and their bio stated that they had transitioned from Female to Male. They were in a relationship and were still persuing music. I wanted to send a friend request and a quick messgage stating if they remebered me - but I don't remember if I ever brought myself to do so (and my FB logs don't show a msg or unanswered friend request, so I have no proff if I even did) .
The thought of someone that was so close to me with over a decade having passed and all that we have changed and become, just leaves a hollow feeling.
The singing and guitar strumming finally came to a hault. The audio quality not being the greatest back then but still, their singing voice still moved me all these years later. They started talking again about wanting to sing more and post to youtube (I never could find their channel to see if they ever did), and that no matter what was going on in their life, they were going to take the advice of the song I suggested and "just breathe" (corny I know lol, they said it was too).
The video ended and so did the memories in my head. But it got me thinking about just how impactful someones life and presense can be, even if it was for a short amount of time. I think we all need to give eachother patience and love, the best and honest versions of ourselves; so that the hearts on our sleves will bleed into eachother when we shake hands hello, and stain eachothers backs when we say goodbye so that others can see we are painted by those who came before.
I have since made a copy and backed up the precious video. I want to someday incoperate it into a song to share with the world, but for now this blog will have to do.
------
PS: Dear Jess(e), You will never see this, but I still love and wish you the best. I do not know where life has taken you, who you are with, if you made your passion of music your career or are just blessing people on an open mic at some local bar on Friday nights. I do not know if the universe will ever be kind enough to have our paths cross and let stardust collide once more; but I hope that you know...if you ever feel some etherial surge in the center of your chest, it's little old me sending you a message ~ to just breathe ♥
